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Growing
in Love
Ven.
Sativihari
(A brief excerpt from the talk given at
the Vesak retreat, 2002)
In the Metta Sutra, on the
subject of Love, the Buddha took the strongest of all possible positions:
that everything that is alive
deserves Love every moment of every day, no matter what...
That was the nature of the Love he was inviting us to encounter:
Unconditional. And that is a key to the powerful effects it has on the mind.
We can understand the effects this kind of Love has by thinking about what
it is like to be in the presence of a person who accepts
us as we are, unconditionally.
Whether we’re too heavy or too thin,
too loud or too quiet. No
matter how we look that day. Even
if we’re in a lousy mood – this person loves
and accepts us exactly as we are.
We don’t need to worry about losing their love if we fail to meet
some standard that day. Because
their love isn’t based on something we do
or don’t do. It’s
something much deeper. It’s
unconditional.
The word “love”, the way it’s normally used in popular culture –
in songs and films and t.v. programs
– that fantasy of
finding the person who will put an end to your suffering and make your
dreams come true -- is really referring to what Buddhism understands as
attachment or dependency.
Attachment means “I feel incomplete and inadequate on my own, and I am
hoping that if I get connected up with you, I’ll feel complete and
worthwhile. You will be my
source of strength and happiness.”
Of course, instead of saying that, we say “I love you”, because
it gets better results! …
So, once we become clear on the difference between Love and
Attachment, how do we grow in
Love? How do we grow beyond
attachment?
The first rule in any journey is
that you have to start from where you are. We have to be very honest with
ourselves. We’re ordinary
human beings with attachment in our minds.
Sometimes we’re quite dependent. Sometimes our love is very
conditional and superficial. We
have to honestly acknowledge and accept the reality of where we are.
When we say “musavada weramani sikhapadam samadiyami” we’re
agreeing to be honest with ourselves, to admit that we’re not
superheroes.
So, what might the conversation sound like within our minds if we were
really honest with ourselves about our attachment, our dependency on
others?
If we were really honest, we might be saying things to ourselves like –
“It
hurt me when he said that. I really depend on his approval to feel o.k..
Part
of me feels I’m not good enough on my own.”
If we were really honest, we might be
saying things to ourselves like --
“Sometimes I’m pretending to be something that I’m not… so
that people will approve of me.
Part of me feels embarrassed to just be myself.”
The
foundation of all spiritual practice is admitting to being an ordinary
human being, one who suffers.
If we just grab onto ideals like “unconditional love” and try
to live up to them, without accepting the reality of where our minds are
at, it’s kind of like trying to be a superhero.
All we can do is pretend.
So the first step in deepening our ability to Love is being honest with
ourselves about how shallow our love is at times, about how much
attachment rules our minds.
Accepting where we are as a starting point.
Not hating it, covering it up, or pretending it’s not true.
That in itself is a powerful practice.
Exposing our weak spots.
Bringing into the light the areas where we’re most in need of
Love and growth.
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